Choose your public schoolboy
<div class = "smoltext">
<div class = "row">
<div class = "column">
<img src = "https://i1.wp.com/www.cubc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/CUBC-CharlieMarcus.jpg?resize=270%2C370&ssl=1" width = "150" >
[[Hambleton Smokeshow]]
</div>
<div class = "column"><img src = "https://i1.wp.com/www.cubc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/CUBC-SamHookway.jpg?resize=270%2C370&ssl=1" width = "150" >
[[Orion Pelsingham]]
</div></div>
<div class = "row">
<div class = "column">
<img src = "https://i0.wp.com/www.cubc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/CUBC-CallumMacRae.jpg?resize=270%2C370&ssl=1g" width = "150" >
[[Pritchard Jenkins the Younger]]
</div> <div class = "column">
<img src = "https://i0.wp.com/www.cubc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/CUBC-CallumSullivan.jpg?resize=270%2C370&ssl=1" width = "150" >
[[Oliver Crumfuttuk]]
</div>
</div>
(set: $team to "Cambridge")
(set: $competitor to "Hambleton Smokeshow") (print: $competitor)
<div class = "smoltext">
<div class = "row">
<div class = "column">
<img src = "https://i1.wp.com/www.cubc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/CUBC-CharlieMarcus.jpg?resize=270%2C370&ssl=1" width = "150" >
</div>
<div class = "column">
<div class = "rtext"> Skills:
<div class = "smoltext">
(set: $nc to (a: "Croquet", "The teachings of Plato ", "Extravagantly folded napkins"))
(print: (1 of $nc))
(print: (2 of $nc))
(print: (3 of $nc))
</div></div>
<div class = "rtext">
[[continue]]
(set: $team to "Cambridge")
(set: $competitor to "Orion Pelsingham") (print: $competitor)
<div class = "smoltext">
<div class = "row">
<div class = "column">
<img src = "https://i1.wp.com/www.cubc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/CUBC-SamHookway.jpg?resize=270%2C370&ssl=1" width = "150" >
</div>
<div class = "column">
<div class = "rtext"> Skills:
<div class = "smoltext">
(set: $nc to (a: "Tea etiquette", "Watching badly dubbed anime", "Taming Badgers"))
(print: (1 of $nc))
(print: (2 of $nc))
(print: (3 of $nc))
</div></div>
<div class = "rtext">
[[Continue]](set: $team to "Cambridge")
(set: $competitor to "Pritchard Jenkins the Younger") (print: $competitor)
<div class = "smoltext">
<div class = "row">
<div class = "column">
<img src = "https://i0.wp.com/www.cubc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/CUBC-CallumMacRae.jpg?resize=270%2C370&ssl=1g" width = "150" >
</div>
<div class = "column">
<div class = "rtext"> Skills:
<div class = "smoltext">
(set: $nc to (a: "Collecting Tupperware", "Investing in wine", "Overly long toasts"))
(print: (1 of $nc))
(print: (2 of $nc))
(print: (3 of $nc))
</div></div>
<div class = "rtext">
[[Continue]]Hello and welcome to the annual Oxford vs Cambridge slam poetry competition. My name is Wilton Wiltonsworth from the Greater Cheshire Slam Poetry Society and it is my pleasure to present you the slammiest slam poets of the next generation.
Pick a contestant:
[[Cambridge]]
[[Oxford]]
Choose your public schoolboy <div class = "smoltext">
<div class = "row">
<div class = "column">
<img src = "https://www.theboatrace.org/wp-content/uploads/OUBC-AugustinWambersie.jpg" width = "150" >
[[Tamlin Mcgonagall]]
</div>
<div class = "column"><img src = "https://www.theboatrace.org/wp-content/uploads/OUBC-L-VonMalaise-2.png" width = "150" >
[[Harrison Stuber]]
</div></div>
<div class = "row">
<div class = "column">
<img src = "https://www.theboatrace.org/wp-content/uploads/OUBC-C-Joplin-2.png" width = "150" >
[[Stonkington Jones]]
</div> <div class = "column">
<img src = "https://www.theboatrace.org/wp-content/uploads/OUBC-D-Holod-2.jpg" width = "150" >
[[Felix Fontasque-Aragon]]
</div>
</div>
(set: $team to "Cambridge")
(set: $competitor to "Oliver Crumfuttuk") (print: $competitor)
<div class = "smoltext">
<div class = "row">
<div class = "column">
<img src = "https://i0.wp.com/www.cubc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/CUBC-CallumSullivan.jpg?resize=270%2C370&ssl=1" width = "150" >
</div>
<div class = "column">
<div class = "rtext"> Skills:
<div class = "smoltext">
(set: $nc to (a: "Eating a large number of crumpets with butter", "Cooking brakfast food ", "Collecting stamps form the years 1947 - 1949"))
(print: (1 of $nc))
(print: (2 of $nc))
(print: (3 of $nc))
</div></div>
<div class = "rtext">
[[Continue]](set: $team to "Oxford")
(set: $competitor to "Tamlin Mcgonagall") (print: $competitor)
<div class = "smoltext">
<div class = "row">
<div class = "column">
<img src = "https://www.theboatrace.org/wp-content/uploads/OUBC-AugustinWambersie.jpg" width = "150" >
</div>
<div class = "column">
<div class = "rtext"> Skills:
<div class = "smoltext">
(set: $no to (a: "Irish folk ballads", "Beatboxing", "Eating haggis"))
(print: (1 of $no))
(print: (2 of $no))
(print: (3 of $no))
</div></div>
<div class = "rtext">
[[Continue]](set: $team to "Oxford")
(set: $competitor to "Harrison Stuber") (print: $competitor)
<div class = "smoltext">
<div class = "row">
<div class = "column">
<img src = "https://www.theboatrace.org/wp-content/uploads/OUBC-L-VonMalaise-2.png" width = "150" >
</div>
<div class = "column">
<div class = "rtext"> Skills:
<div class = "smoltext">
(set: $no to (a: "Good looks", "Charm", "Well perfumed"))
(print: (1 of $no))
(print: (2 of $no))
(print: (3 of $no))
</div></div>
<div class = "rtext">
[[Continue]]
(set: $team to "Oxford")
(set: $competitor to "Stonkington Jones") (print: $competitor)
<div class = "smoltext">
<div class = "row">
<div class = "column">
<img src = "https://www.theboatrace.org/wp-content/uploads/OUBC-C-Joplin-2.png" width = "150" >
</div>
<div class = "column">
<div class = "rtext"> Skills:
<div class = "smoltext">
(set: $no to (a: "Good at chess", "Juggling", "Complex mathematics"))
(print: (1 of $no))
(print: (2 of $no))
(print: (3 of $no))
</div></div>
<div class = "rtext">
[[Continue]](set: $team to "Oxford")
(set: $competitor to "Felix Fontasque-Aragon") (print: $competitor)
<div class = "smoltext">
<div class = "row">
<div class = "column">
<img src = "https://www.theboatrace.org/wp-content/uploads/OUBC-D-Holod-2.jpg" width = "150" >
</div>
<div class = "column">
<div class = "rtext"> Skills:
<div class = "smoltext">
(set: $no to (a: "Smiling", "Being nice", "Ju jitsu"))
(print: (1 of $no))
(print: (2 of $no))
(print: (3 of $no))
</div></div>
<div class = "rtext">
[[Continue]]$competitor, $team
(set: $opponentcambridge to (a:
"Hambleton Smokeshow",
"Orion Pelsingham",
"Pritchard Jenkins the Younger",
"Oliver Crumfuttuk"
))
(set: $opponentoxford to (a:
"Tamlin Mcgonagall",
"Stonkington Jones",
"Harrison Stuber",
"Felix Fontasque-Aragon"
))
(set: $goodbad to (a:
"he is very good",
"he is very bad",
"he is average",
"the quality of his poetry is unknown"
))
(if: $team is "Oxford")[You're oppenent is (set: $ocn to (random: 1,4) of $opponentcambridge) $ocn, Cambridge (set: $theopponent to $ocn)
(print: (random: 1,4) of $goodbad)]
(if: $team is "Cambridge")[You're oppenent is (set: $oxn to (random: 1,4) of $opponentoxford) $oxn, Oxford (set: $theopponent to $oxn)
(print: (random: 1,4) of $goodbad)]
[[first poem]]
I Hambleton Smokeshow have come to the conclusion that poetry is not my true calling. I will be withdrawing from the competition and from Cambridge university. Farewell
back to [[start]](if: $theopponent is "Hambleton Smokeshow")[(go-to: "smokepoem")]
(if: $competitor is "Orion Pelsingham")[(go-to: "pelsinghampoem")]
(if: $competitor is "Pritchard Jenkins the Younger")[(go-to: "youngerpoem")]
(if: $competitor is "Oliver Crumfuttuk")[(go-to: "crumfuttukpoem")]
(if: $competitor is "Tamlin Mcgonagall")[(go-to: "mcgonagallpoem")]
(if: $competitor is "Stonkington Jones")[(go-to: "jonespoem")]
(if: $competitor is "Harrison Stuber")[(go-to: "stuberpoem")]
(if: $competitor is "Felix Fontasque-Aragon")[(go-to: "aragonpoem")]
$competitor, $team
(set: $pelsingham to (a:
"brew the tea",
"hot hot hot",
"the badger is tame and I am fame",
"excalibur, halibut", "I am a badger tamer",
"Ghost in the Machine",
"Studio Ghibli",
"what, what whatttt",
"I like a delay in my dubbing",
"I like it when the mouth is disconnected from the sound",
"out of sync sound", "Princess Mononoke"))
Brew, you some tea
(print: (random: 1,12) of $pelsingham)
telephone is calling (print: (random: 1,12) of $pelsingham)
I say (print:(random: 1,12) of $pelsingham)
(print:(random: 1,12) of $pelsingham) (print:(random: 1,12) of $pelsingham)
(print:(random: 1,12) of $pelsingham) (print:(random: 1,12) of $pelsingham) My favourite movie is (print:(random: 1,12) of $pelsingham)
(print:(random: 1,12) of $pelsingham) (print:(random: 1,12) of $pelsingham)
what is that?
...
(print:(random: 1,12) of $pelsingham)
[[your score]]$competitor, $team
(set: $theyounger to (a:
"tupper",
"tupper tupperware",
"the dow jones is less good than my merlot Holmes",
"I'd like to thank the bride and groom",
"take a winkle in my pinkle",
"my wallet is bulging",
"where is the tup, thats a song by the Black Eyed Peas, right?",
"I'd like to thank the bride and groom",
"I'd like to thank the mother of the bride",
"I'd like to thank the father of the groom",
"when I met Ted we were both investing in wine",
"hahahaha",
"no champagne",
"no champagne",
"no champagne"
))
Hits glass, clears throat
I'd like to say (print: (random: 1,15) of $theyounger)
Its a beautiful day to (print: (random: 1,15) of $theyounger)
(print: (random: 1,15) of $theyounger) (print: (random: 1,15) of $theyounger) (print: (random: 1,15) of $theyounger)
(print: (random: 1,15) of $theyounger)
Pop the cork, make some money, if you're selling that is...
(print: (random: 1,15) of $theyounger)
(print: (random: 1,15) of $theyounger)
I'm not as rich as you might think Uxbridge is, yah
[[your score]]$competitor, $team
(set: $crumfuttuck to (a:
"yummy yummy in my tummy",
"crumpets crumpets crumpets",
"I got butter on my stamp collection",
"sausages sizzle", "i care about the environment but BACON", "crumpets with marmite", "crumpets, cru m pets c c c crumpets", "more toast please servant" ))
(print: (random: 1,8) of $crumfuttuck) (print: (random: 1,8) of $crumfuttuck)
(print: (random: 1,8) of $crumfuttuck)
(print: (random: 1,8) of $crumfuttuck) (print: (random: 1,8) of $crumfuttuck)
(print: (random: 1,8) of $crumfuttuck) (print: (random: 1,8) of $crumfuttuck) (print: (random: 1,8) of $crumfuttuck)
[[your score]]$competitor, $team
(set: $mcgonagall to (a:
"kick",
"hi hat",
"snare", "Robbie Burns",
"a filled stomach",
"sausage",
"sheep",
"the violin makes my heart",
"sing",
"sing",
"sing",
"I listen to Joni Mitchell on repeat",
"I listen to Peter Sieger on repeat",
"Cecil Sharp",
"Cecil Sharp",
"Cecil Sharp played his harp"
))
(print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall) (print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall) (print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall) (print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall)
(print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall)
(print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall)
(print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall)
(print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall) (print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall) (print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall) (print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall) (print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall) (print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall) (print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall) (print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall) (print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall)
(print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall)
(print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall)
(print: (random: 1,16) of $mcgonagall)
[[your score]]
$competitor, $team
(set: $jones to (a:
"F seven",
"F eight",
"the fibonacci sequence",
"the fibonacci sequence enraptures me",
"I am enraptured",
"I hold three balls in my hand",
"over under",
"up in the air",
"it's coming",
"juggling relaxes me",
"I multiply imaginary numbers by numbers in reality",
"the fast Fourier transfer isn't so hard"
))
I move my pawn to
(print: (random: 1,12) of $jones) and I wonder
How many (print: (random: 1,12) of $jones)
Examing -- (print: (random: 1,12) of $jones)
(print: (random: 1,12) of $jones) (print: (random: 1,12) of $jones)
(print: (random: 1,12) of $jones)
(print: (random: 1,12) of $jones)
(print: (random: 1,12) of $jones) (print: (random: 1,12) of $jones)
you are lost in thought as I catch your king
[[your score]]$competitor, $team
(set: $stuber to (a:
"good looking",
"good looking",
"good looking",
"I like the mirror",
"hello there maam",
"I am a charmer",
"ooh, I smell so good!",
"I ace interviews becaause of my",
"charm",
"charm",
"charm is my weapon",
"charm is my defense"
))
A squirt of perfume
meets my (print: (random: 1,12) of $stuber)
have you ever thought that (print: (random: 1,12) of $stuber)
(print: (random: 1,12) of $stuber) (print: (random: 1,12) of $stuber)
I am (print: (random: 1,12) of $stuber)
In the future I will be (print: (random: 1,12) of $stuber)
There is no past
the moment is now and I am (print: (random: 1,12) of $stuber)
[[your score]]
$competitor, $team
(set: $aragon to (a:
"smile",
"SMILE",
"s m i l e",
"opening doors for the elderly",
"serving soup to the poor",
"don't look at me wrong or I'll",
"knock you down",
"kick",
"I'll get you with my fighting skills",
"I love to help",
"the nicest guy you'd meet",
"charm is my defense"
))
(print: (random: 1,12) of $aragon)
(print: (random: 1,12) of $aragon) are you old, do you need some help?
Crossing the road or (print: (random: 1,12) of $aragon)
I'll be there at 7am with the crossing man
(print: (random: 1,12) of $aragon)
(print: (random: 1,12) of $aragon)
I'll be there at 9pm with the crossing man
helping you home
(print: (random: 1,12) of $aragon) (print: (random: 1,12) of $aragon)
[[your score]]
I Hambleton Smokeshow have decided that slam poetry is not the way to prompt global change that I originally thought it was. I will be withdrawing from the competition and from Cambridge university. Farewell!
<div class = "smoltext">
Due to Hambleton Smokeshows exit from the competition you win by default.
<div class = "rtext">
Well done $competitor !!!
Back to [[start]](set: $yourscore to (random: 1,10))
(if: $yourscore >= 6)[Wow! that was an amazing poem. You win!!!
Congratulations to you $competitor !!!]
(else:)[That was terrible $theopponent is a much superior poet to you. Go back to school and do better!]
[[try again]](go-to: "start")
↶↷Hello and welcome to the annual Oxford vs Cambridge slam poetry competition. My name is Wilton Wiltonsworth from the Greater Cheshire Slam Poetry Society and it is my pleasure to present you the slammiest slam poets of the next generation.
Pick a contestant:
Cambridge
Oxford